EP 146: What Is Reconstruction? Part One

Diana Winkler Domestic Violence Leave a Comment

How do you pick up the pieces of your faith when the dust clears from your trauma? What do I believe on my own? What are the pitfalls to look out for during this journey? How do I discover the truth about God for myself? These questions and more in this two part series. Join me!

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reconstruction

[00:00:00] [00:00:33] Hello beautiful people, thank you for coming back to the podcast this week. We are talking about Reconstruction. What is that? Last week we talked about Deconstruction which was pretty much

[00:00:50] After your abuse you decide I’m not gonna have anything to do with God or Christians or church [00:01:00] prayer or the Bible In some form or fashion, you may still have some semblance of faith or belief or belief in God in general, but you don’t know what to do in the aftermath of your abuse. We talked about a lot of different topics as to why people choose to not believe in God or not continue in their faith.

[00:01:28] We talked about sin, we talked about hell, women’s issues, sucky churches, we talked about evolution and creationism, we talked about genocide, a few other topics that we went over, and you may not have agreed with me on those. That’s okay. We are all on this journey together, and we all have to make our own decisions about what’s right for us and our family before the Lord.

[00:01:58] So this week we’re [00:02:00] going to do Reconstruction, which is simply, you’re starting from zero. You have no idea what you believe,

[00:02:10] and you are searching for those answers. And it might take you a long time to search to find those answers. But

[00:02:19] As long as you’re going forward, that’s the important part. So, uh, one housekeeping thing before we get started on my list here is, remember the Stitcher platform. If you’re listening on Stitcher, they are going to cease to exist at the end of August. So, Be sure to find another platform to listen on before that time, because they are not going to be playing any more podcasts.

[00:02:48] And as far as this podcast goes, I am on all of the major platforms, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, I’m [00:03:00] on Amazon, iHeartRadio, Pandora, YouTube, and a few other smaller ones.

[00:03:09] So, hurry up and pick a new platform so you don’t miss any of the episodes. Okay,

[00:03:16] so I’m going to give a few tips on reconstructing your faith and how to do that without losing it, without being confused, without being so overwhelmed, because it is a lot to deal with. After you leave your abuser, it is overwhelming all the choices that you have to make, and one of them is.

[00:03:40] The first thing I would say is you have to get out of that abusive situation.

[00:03:48] It is very difficult to come up with a new strategy to find out what you believe when you are still in the midst of that abuse. I [00:04:00] would focus your energy on getting out first. Getting to a safe place first, whatever that may entail.

[00:04:07] And then we talk about your faith. I know that might seem strange from a Christian telling you that, but I’ve been there. That’s why I say this, is in your abuse, and I’m sure if you are being abused, spiritual abuse is in there with it. That was my main abuse, was spiritual, emotional, psychological, and you can’t even think straight.

[00:04:41] You’re just trying to survive, you’re just trying to get through the day, and

[00:04:45] It’s sometimes too much to think about church or the Bible or prayer when you’re in the midst of tragedy. Some of us do reach out to God and pray. [00:05:00] That’s great. But all the other stuff that goes with it, outside of that, kind of, I don’t know what I believe. And then it’s the first tip is be sure to get out of your abusive situation.

[00:05:19] Wait till the dust clears and then we will talk about your faith and what it means to you now.

[00:05:27] Two is that you need to find a community of some sort, support of some kind. Yes, we have a lot more resources now than we did when I left my abuser, especially faith based organizations. You need to find a community, a safe community.

[00:05:52] And it might not be church right away. That’s okay. If your church was a part of your abuse, [00:06:00] I would highly recommend that you get out of that church, that you leave that church and find another one because you’re never going to heal if you are still in that church being abused, not being supported by your church.

[00:06:17] If they covered it up, if they didn’t support you, if they blamed you for the abuse. If your

[00:06:24] fellow congregants, fellow church members aren’t telling you not to get a divorce, to forgive and forget, then it’s not a supportive community.

[00:06:35] So maybe in the beginning a community might be a woman’s shelter, it might be You know, one of those classes at college, it might be,

[00:06:46] you know, a hobby that you have that you wanted to spend more time doing. Maybe a hikers group or a dance group, any kind of a [00:07:00] volunteerism, like you want to volunteer at an animal shelter. That’s a community. I’ve volunteered at a lot of animal shelters and you have a common goal. You want to help these animals.

[00:07:15] And they are usually the ones dumped at the shelters and they were abused or abandoned.

[00:07:21] And you kind of have a kindred spirit with animals in that situation.

[00:07:25] And so think of something that you can participate in, maybe that doesn’t involve faith at all. It doesn’t involve your family, especially if they’re not supportive. Make some new friends. It’s okay if you find a faith based community. We’ll talk more about church in a minute, but… Like, for example, I like to sing, and, you know, there are a lot of choirs, community choirs that you could go and you, you join, you don’t even have to try out, you can join and you can sing in these choirs, and they sing all kinds of [00:08:00] different music, they don’t sing just church music, a lot of them sing classical music or choral music, they do jazz tunes or spirituals or they do musicals or pop tunes.

[00:08:14] Right now I don’t have time to do anything musical right now because of my, my surgeries this year are taking all of my energy and then working my full time job. So and doing this podcast, that is something I would really like to do again is be in a choir. That’s a suggestion or maybe a drama team.

[00:08:35] Again, there’s a lot of community drama. They do plays and there are people that just like to do it for fun. They try out for a part and you practice and you build community with people and they put on a show for your town and it’s fun. You meet new people. So that’s what I would suggest.[00:09:00] [00:09:00] The third thing I really want to emphasize is is to not jump into another relationship, whether you’re a man or a woman listening. That is the one thing that I would tell you would be the biggest mistake right now. If you were trying to start over and reconstruct your faith, you don’t want love relationships to shape your thinking.

[00:09:24] I know that sounds restrictive, I know that you’re lonely and you want to find that certain someone after you’ve left an abusive person, but that is a big mistake. I know some of you aren’t going to listen to me, but I am just trying to make you think about these things first. You want to recover from your trauma first.

[00:09:51] You want to find out who you are as a person. You want to find out what kind of a… Individual, do you [00:10:00] want to date or eventually marry? These are really important things. And when you’re trying to start over and maybe you even have children that you have to take care of, you certainly don’t want to invite another person into your life when neither you nor your children have healed.

[00:10:27] How long is that going to take? I can’t tell you that, but I would say at least a year. Before you even think about dating anybody. It’s not that I don’t want you to have fun, but again, when you come out of trauma, you are very, very vulnerable and to all kinds of things, not only relationships, but other religious groups that are cults, you are very vulnerable to jumping into another religious [00:11:00] cult because.

[00:11:01] People prey on vulnerable individuals when you are divorced or you have lost a loved one in death, when you have changed jobs or changed where you live, you change your community, you’re going through a health crisis.

[00:11:26] You are very vulnerable for terrible people to come in and take an advantage of you.

[00:11:31] So we’ve done podcasts on dating. So go back and listen to those. They are clearly labeled about my dating experiences and other people’s. Go back and look into the podcasts. You can see all of my podcasts on my website, DSWMinistries. org I know that like, Apple Podcasts only shows a certain amount. You can see [00:12:00] every one of mine from day one on my website.

[00:12:04] And you’re going to click on the blog page.

[00:12:06] So I’m not going to go too much into the, relationships, except for a lot of people go into another relationship because they don’t have any money or they need a place to stay, or they need a father for their kids. Find another way besides joining up with another person who is probably. as bad or worse than the person you just left.

[00:12:33] And I know there are good people out there, but you don’t want to be in a predicament where you are dependent on somebody to take care of you. There are organizations that will help you. If you need help in that area, please reach out to me. I have a lot of resources. A lot of the guests on my show have.

[00:12:54] Great resources.

[00:12:55] The next tip I will say, is to get professional [00:13:00] trauma therapy. We’ve talked about this before. We’ve had therapists on the show. Johnny Sanders was just on the show, and he was awesome about telling us about therapy, how to pick a therapist. And who to watch out for, the red flags.

[00:13:21] What’s the difference between a therapist, a psychiatrist, and a life coach? There’s a huge difference. And I would caution against going with A Christian counselor who is not licensed with the state because there are rules and laws to protect you if they are licensed. Ethics and rules. We talked about this with Johnny Sanders. And a lot of times when we’ve gone through spiritual abuse, our pastor has given us really terrible advice.

[00:13:57] You need somebody that is not [00:14:00] involved with your church that you left or your church right now if you’re still in that church. Need somebody non biased, somebody that is knowledgeable in mental health issues with abuse and trauma and how it affects you. It affects how you think, your self worth, and I know a lot of us, it’s been banged into our heads.

[00:14:25] Oh, don’t go to a psychiatrist or as they call a shrink because they’re not Christians. Well, spiritual problems, yes. We have the Bible and we have prayer for that, but for mental health issues, you need an actual licensed therapist who understands the brain and what your body does in response to trauma.

[00:14:51] And how to get you to open up and process your trauma without triggering you, without making it worse. [00:15:00] There are lots of resources, a therapist is one, especially if you have children. I would definitely get your children into therapy if they were in any way involved in the abuse.

[00:15:11] Watched it or experienced themselves. It is paramount to get them into therapy. And a lot of employers cover therapy. That’s part of their package for, employee resources. So check into your job benefits, your HR department. There are also services that are through the state that would be free to you.

[00:15:37] Okay.

[00:15:38] And I also will add, if you have any medical problems to go to a doctor and get medication. Again, your pastor is not qualified to tell you if you can take medication or not. I know in the church I came from, antidepressants were a sin. [00:16:00] Anxiety meds were a sin because they say you don’t depend on the Lord when you take those things.

[00:16:07] Depression’s a sin. I don’t believe that at all. You can be depressed and still love the Lord. It is a chemical imbalance in your body. Anxiety is very real and it’s a result of trauma to your body or to your soul or to your,

[00:16:27] your emotional state. There’s no shame in going to an actual doctor who can help you get through your transition. Do you have to be on those meds forever? Maybe not. Might be just until you can get, get through this hard time. So yeah, go to a doctor. Okay, so here’s some other things.

[00:16:53] Boundaries.

[00:16:54] Boundaries are so important to starting over [00:17:00] with reconstructing your faith. Because a lot of churches, they don’t have any boundaries. You pretty much do whatever the pastor says. You don’t have any say in your spiritual walk at all. It’s my way or the highway.

[00:17:18] I’ve been in churches, and if you’ve been listening to the show a long time, I was a church plan ter I know about being required to go to church Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night. Every time the church doors were open and you had no time for your family . Or Sleep

[00:17:39] it was always you were required to be at the church. The more you went to the church the more spiritual you were and that just isn’t true Going to church doesn’t make you more spiritual. It is your personal relationship with God and we are usually afraid in a church to put up boundaries You know, no, I’m [00:18:00] not going to come on Wednesday night church service.

[00:18:02] I need to fill in the blank. And we’re afraid to say that because we don’t want to look like we’re unspiritual. No, I’m not going to come to the revival that it’s every weekday night. I have to go to work in the morning or my children have to go to school. I have to do my laundry, I have to cook and clean, and sometimes that’s too much to be going to a revival service every single night.

[00:18:29] I have done it, folks. Boundaries. Somebody telling you what you can wear, what you can listen to in your own home. You are a priest in your own home. You are the one that sets boundaries. Between you and the Lord what you listen to what you wear what you read But you do on the internet. And you have to decide for yourself and your family what that looks like

[00:18:56] I had a preacher in a church I was a part of [00:19:00] and he didn’t have a television and he expected the rest of us not to have a television. Well, I don’t think that television is necessarily evil. It’s which programs are you watching? Do you have any discernment? You have a relationship with God where he would tell you, you know, this is probably not the best thing for you to watch.

[00:19:21] It glorifies evil or it, it has violent scenes that you probably don’t want to watch or your children shouldn’t be watching. You don’t want to traumatize your family even more than it’s been to

[00:19:34] be the Holy Spirit for us. And that’s wrong. You have to put up a boundary that says. Just because I have a TV in my house, and then I know that sounds laughable because most of us have a TV in every room now, and now we have our tablets, uh, but there are definitely people in this world who don’t have a TV,

[00:19:58] and I certainly [00:20:00] respect that choice, but to look down on somebody because they don’t throw out their TV or take a sledgehammer to it, I don’t necessarily agree with that. Let’s talk about boundaries with other people. You have your immediate family, your parents. Just because they’re your parents doesn’t mean that they can rule your life.

[00:20:20] And yes, the Bible says that we need to honor our parents, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t have a boundary.

[00:20:29] No, the children cannot have sleepovers at somebody else’s house. No, they can’t watch a particular program.

[00:20:36] No, they’re not supposed to eat an excessive amount of junk food. Or whatever you decide for your children, you are the ones that create the boundaries and enforce them.

[00:20:47] You are responsible for your own life, and maybe their life is very different from yours or the life that you want to live. Maybe your parents were your abusers. [00:21:00] Unfortunately, many of us… Me and some of the folks in Mending the Soul groups that I lead, they have had to cut off access to their parents because they can’t be re traumatized every time they see them, or they have never repented from the abuse and they want to abuse them continually, or abuse their children.

[00:21:28] And I know I’m being very general in this aspect, but

[00:21:32] You have to do that tough love thing. If you have to move,

[00:21:36] move. Don’t give a forwarding address. They don’t really have any right to your life or to your children when you’re an adult.

[00:21:44] Let’s talk about your, ex. Whether it’s a boyfriend or a spouse. Now, I had the benefit of not having children, so I was able to cut him off [00:22:00] pretty quickly. I left and did not tell him where I was going, I did not tell him where I was staying, and I took everything that I needed with me because he was out of town.

[00:22:12] Those of you who have listened a long time know my story. You can go back and listen to it, and they’re very clearly labeled, My Story,

[00:22:21] and you can find out how I left. I didn’t have children. But I took everything that was my personal belongings and maybe a couple household items, and I left. And the only way that we communicated was through email. I did not give a forwarding phone number because I bought a new cell phone.

[00:22:39] And I needed that boundary. I needed that separation. I knew he wouldn’t have let me leave, but I didn’t want to get sucked back in because the people that had helped me get out. They were afraid I was going to go back, which a lot of people do because they don’t have any support on the [00:23:00] outside. I had to create that boundary of

[00:23:03] I don’t want you knowing where I live. I don’t want you to follow me. Now, even though he just had my email address, he definitely tried to control me even through just email.

[00:23:17] But if you have children, it’s a lot more difficult to establish those boundaries. And then you have in laws that you’re dealing with too. And that is really, really challenging. And I can’t really speak for that because I wasn’t in that situation, but others that are in my Mending the Soul group and my friends that have gone through it.

[00:23:38] They will tell you, make sure you have everything in writing, communicate through an app that is specifically for, parents who are sharing custody or separated or who are divorced. So you have a, paper trail of what was said and what wasn’t said and stick with the agreements that the court [00:24:00] gave you or the lawyer advised you to do.

[00:24:04] So, stick to those boundaries.

[00:24:06] don’t know if it’s a law that the other parent has to know where you live, but I wouldn’t let him in the house. I say him, and I’m sorry guys that are listening. this goes both ways if, if you’re a male with child custody and you’re trying to raise your kids. And I know people that are in that situation, and the wife is the abuser.

[00:24:29] I would say the same thing. Don’t let the other parent into the house. You meet, exchange children at a neutral location. And neutral is not your parents or the in laws. Neutral is like a fast food restaurant or, a park or something, okay? And I’m not going to go too much more into this, but, especially since I don’t have any experience in it.

[00:24:53] but boundaries itself, you also have the work boundaries. How many of you have [00:25:00] bosses that have… No respect for your life outside of work. They ask you to work overtime because they’re short staffed and you are afraid to say no because you’re afraid to lose your job. They call you at your home and ask you to come in on your day off.

[00:25:18] You know, you’ve got to set boundaries very beginning in your relationship. I don’t answer my phone when I’m not on the clock. I don’t answer emails. When I’m not on the clock. And even if you’re salaried, and I have been salaried, and I will never do it again. You have to designate, this is when I’ll be answering emails, this is when I will be answering my phone.

[00:25:40] And if you can’t draw those boundaries, find another place to work. No, I can’t work late, I have to pick up my kids from school and take them to soccer practice or whatever. No, I’m not going to do extra work that’s clearly another rank in pay [00:26:00] without a raise. I’ve done that too. I’ve done two jobs

[00:26:04] and I transferred out of that department because I refused to do two jobs without getting extra money.

[00:26:12] That’s a boundary and boundaries are basically You giving yourself worth. Okay, you are worth Being treated like a human being. You’re worth being paid an honest day’s wage. And I’m assuming that you are a hard worker, you folks out there. You put in an honest day’s work. You’re not, you’re not out there defrauding your employer.

[00:26:41] Uh, but that is all coming down to your self worth, which when you come out of an abuse situation, you don’t feel like you’re worth anything because you’ve been told all this time you’re not worth a hill of beans. I finally found a [00:27:00] job, a career that I’m appreciated. I love going to work. And they honor my boundaries. I made it very clear up front.

[00:27:11] So anyway, those are boundaries. There’s a great book about boundaries, my church has done an actual class on boundaries.

[00:27:20] The name of the book is called Boundaries. When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life. And the author is,

[00:27:30] dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. And yeah, you can get it on Kindle. If you’re on the unlimited plan, you can get it for free. But that’s an excellent book to start with. And there are others out there on how do you create boundaries. I’ve had to learn because I have been suckered into timeshares and, salespeople in Vegas that pull you off of the strip and want to sell you skincare [00:28:00] products that are extraordinarily expensive that don’t do squat.

[00:28:04] But I’m learning,

[00:28:05] okay. Let’s talk about cults. We mentioned this a little bit here.

[00:28:10] Uh, we want to avoid jumping into a cult after we leave an abusive situation. Now you’re thinking of one type of cult with flavorade.

[00:28:22] You know, David Koresh, you’re thinking of, maybe some of the cults like, Mormonism or Jehovah Witness. But there are many other types of cults out there. There are MLM cults, multi level marketing, there’s a company that sells yoga pants. And the way that they’re structured and how the company works is just like a cult.

[00:28:49] They control everything about you and you want to avoid that sort of thing. I would avoid MLMs if at all possible. And I did an entire show [00:29:00] on that. Again, look in my previous episodes. I think I did that last year. I just recently learned of an acting cult this week and it was pretty much.

[00:29:11] Somebody is the teacher and they have these 30 students who want to learn how to act and improve their craft and they get up and they do these scenes and this teacher just tears them apart and Controls them or you have to be here in these workshops every day or you have to pay me this much money And then you 10 years taking all this abuse from this acting teacher and they’re not getting anywhere in their acting career and they feel horrible about themselves because that’s all they hear is this negative feedback from their teacher.

[00:29:53] That can be with Any type of hobby where you’re getting together. I’ve heard about yoga cults.[00:30:00] [00:30:02] There are definitely self help cults. Jordan Harbinger did a podcast on corporation cults, self help cults, and they all work the same. They, they look for your insecurities and your vulnerabilities. And they try to get you to buy this expensive course, or these lessons, they say all these terrible things about you, they control everything you do.

[00:30:34] They control your schedule, your, what you wear, how much money you have. They want to know exactly how much money you have. You have to bring other people in. Does that sound familiar? It’s all about mind control. You have no choices. So, I think that, yes, fundamentalist Mormonism is very dangerous and, Scientol[00:31:00] that’s a cult that’s getting more exposure because of some former members, but don’t make the mistake of thinking it is just religious cults, that anything can be a cult, any community can become a cult, if.

[00:31:17] These parameters are in place where they’re trying to control your mind and your choices. They want your money, they want your friends, they isolate you from other people that you care about, people that are healthy, they make you do things that you wouldn’t ever do.

[00:31:37] Uh, there’s this cult named NXIVM and the people in this cult are brainwashed enough to brand their own private parts. Ouch. And you think, how in the world does anybody get to that point? Well, it’s, it’s like a slow boil. Uh, so that is, a podcast called A Little Bit [00:32:00] Culty. a husband and wife team that left that cult, NXIVM, and they’re trying to help other people that were in cults.

[00:32:10] Including evangelical cults, like IBLP that we have talked about on this show, Shiny Happy People. That’s the name of the documentary. The IBLP is the cult. Gothard. Go back and listen to that if you haven’t. But yeah, a little bit culty. I will tell you right now, it’s not a Christian podcast.

[00:32:29] They are not Christians. But what I do like about their podcast is that they have guests on the show that demonstrate what is a cult and how, how do you get to that part where you’re doing things that you would never do. Terrible things. You know, you’re living in a commune or having multiple sex partners or branding yourself.

[00:32:54] Um, they talk about the process of the brain [00:33:00] and you think it’s just for weak people, weak minded people, but there are multi million dollar earners of corporations, CEOs and prominent people that you think are really, really smart and then they get into this cult. And I think most of it is because we want to be a part of something.

[00:33:20] We want to be liked, we want to be included, we want to have a purpose. But when you get down

[00:33:26] Past the fluff and you get to the real substance of the cult group, you realize, or maybe you don’t realize that. This doesn’t help anything, doesn’t help me in being more spiritual or helping the world be a better place, or I don’t feel like I’m loved or included. I feel like I’m controlled. I’m trapped.

[00:33:50] So, I recommend that show for that reason, is for the education. You need to be educated on what is coercive control? What is mind [00:34:00] control? What is gaslighting?

[00:34:02] All those terms, you need to educate yourself on those things because abuse can come from anyone or any group if the conditions are favorable to them.

[00:34:15] So let’s get out of the, cult theme here,

[00:34:18] but on the other hand, you need to get out of your bubble. Of course, when you’re isolated in a religious group, like I was. You don’t go outside of your group at all. All of your friends are, for example, for me, all of my friends were fundamental Baptists. Well, I wasn’t raised as a Baptist.

[00:34:43] You go to work and all of your, your coworkers you hang out with are Christians who believe the same things as you, the programs you watch, they’re only about the things that you agree on, you don’t have any [00:35:00] cognitive thinking skills. What is cognitive thinking? Well, it, it’s just a way of looking at something from outside of yourself, not with any emotion or biases or preconceived notions, but it’s looking at the facts of the matter.

[00:35:20] And that’s a simplified version. But you need to change your thinking, like, the example I told about evolution and creationism, those two are enemies. And I mentioned last week that there are some scientific things that I believe, and there’s still some beliefs from creationism that I hold to.

[00:35:44] It’s like a mix, and that’s the truth about a lot of things. Get out of your bubble means not necessarily accepting or agreeing with somebody, but seeing the other side of somebody else’s perspective. It could be any topic at all. [00:36:00] It could be the abortion debate, which we talked about last episode.

[00:36:05] It could be about the president, you know, the presidential election, and most people are at war with that topic.

[00:36:13] It could be an indoctrinal thing, like hell. Or it could be on The End Times, like we talked about last week. Do I have to agree with the person that I’m talking with? No, but maybe there’s something that they would say that you would understand why they think that. Does it make them a bad person or unworthy of being listened to politely?

[00:36:38] But we need to look at other Viewpoints. I have changed some of my viewpoints over the last 20 years

[00:36:49] and you will too. Hopefully they will be healthy viewpoints.

[00:36:54] So get out of your bubble. That means read different books,[00:37:00] watch different TV programs, watch Maybe different news programs. Talk with your co workers that are different, that you know have different views on whatever. Maybe, you know, you guys can talk about chocolate versus vanilla out in the break room.

[00:37:18] Who knows? Strike up a conversation. Don’t be so afraid

[00:37:23] to have a conversation. Be kind. Listen.

[00:37:27] Come with the attitude of learning and you’ll be surprised at what you, uh, what you come up with.

[00:37:35] But that’s how we find out what we believe, not staying within our bubble because if that’s all you’ve ever known is that women can’t wear pants,

[00:37:46] I mean, come on, that’s ridiculous.

[00:37:53] You know, our women can only be mothers and they can’t work outside the home. Well, [00:38:00] if that’s what you want to be a mother and and stay at home with your kids and raise them, great. If that’s what you want, if you want to have a career. And raise kids. That’s terrific, if that’s what you want.

[00:38:13] I don’t have any children. I’ve been a career woman most of my life. There’s nothing wrong with that either. But it’s, that is what I wanted. Um, and that’s a long story. Unless you’ve been listening to the podcast and you already know my story. Anyway, so we’ll get off that bubble.

[00:38:31] Another tip for reconstruction is don’t use unhealthy coping methods.

[00:38:37] What does that mean? It means don’t use alcohol or sleeping pills or shopping or drugs or sex to fill the void that you’re going to have. You’re going to be vulnerable. There’s going to be a big hole in you because you just left a relationship and it could be your mother, it could [00:39:00] be your sibling, it could be…

[00:39:02] A best friend, could be your cousin, could be your ex, um, whoever it is, you’re going to have this hole that needs to be filled with something or someone and the mistake that people make is they go to alcohol or they get into drugs to deal with the pain or they start sleeping around having sex with people they don’t know,

[00:39:29] people that you probably don’t want to have a long term relationship with anyway. shopping. I know a lot of shopaholics. They buy new things that they don’t wear. They’re just trying to feel the pain. And I mentioned sleeping pills. Okay, you might be the person that has been prescribed sleeping pills.

[00:39:49] I’m not talking about the one that follows the directions. That the doctor gives. It’s somebody that uses sleeping pills to sleep [00:40:00] excessively in order to avoid reality. Um, that isn’t healthy. Coming home and drinking a glass of alcohol every day, that is not healthy. Am I against drinking alcohol? Not necessarily.

[00:40:14] And we’ve talked about this on the podcast too. That I don’t drink myself. I don’t like the taste of it. I don’t like the smell of it. I don’t like… What it does to people, that is my choice to not drink alcohol. My husband will drink sometimes, um, for social occasions, but it’s one glass. I don’t have a problem with having a drink to celebrate a wedding or New Year’s or an occasion.

[00:40:45] But if you have to drink every day to deal with pain that you don’t want to face, that isn’t healthy. The Bible does say drunkenness is a sin, being controlled with anything, [00:41:00] but the Holy Spirit is a sin. but that’s what happens when we use unhealthy coping methods to deal with our pain and fill that hole that’s inside of us.

[00:41:13] and I did a, a whole series on healthy coping mechanisms. Go back and listen to it. That’s the title. Healthy coping skills or something like that. Don’t use

[00:41:25] Don’t use unhealthy things to deal with the pain Because then you’re gonna have more problems on top of the problems you already have You will get addicted to drugs or the alcohol or the shopping or the sex Even working all the time workaholics, there’s a difference between I have to work because I need to pay the bills and I’m working to Not think about anything else.

[00:41:52] I don’t want to think about the pain. So I’m just gonna work. I’m gonna ignore my family Ignore my health and [00:42:00] I’m going to just work. So don’t do that. Okay

[00:42:04] we kind of touched on this before be careful what you listen to what you expose yourself to. Twitter is not your friend I’m gonna say that right now. You’re not going to get any help in forming your new spiritual life on Twitter because there’s a lot of God haters.

[00:42:21] Even in the advocacy world, even in the abuse survivor world, they’re not going to help you. Um, I would find my community somewhere else. Maybe a private community that you’ve picked out that seems to be encouraging and uplifting, supportive, that doesn’t judge you, that aren’t god haters, So don’t go on social media.

[00:42:44] Even Facebook is terrible. I’m on one group I won’t say the group’s name because I may have the The person in charge of the group come on the show, but it’s turned into a advice column. Anybody old enough to know who Dear [00:43:00] Abby is or Ann Landers, people would write in and ask them advice on their problem.

[00:43:07] And Dear Abby or Ann Landers would do that, and it was usually pretty good advice. Now with social media, you’ve got these groups that people ask for advice that should be only be asked for by either a doctor or a lawyer.

[00:43:25] You don’t want to ask about child custody stuff on a Facebook group. You want to get in real big trouble. Um, and you know, you’ll talk about some health ailment that you have and somebody will talk about essential oils, MLM, that they started and how it cures everything. Over most of the Facebook groups I’ve seen, you tell them your problem

[00:43:50] and usually, you’ll get 20 different answers. Some of them are really mean and judgmental and, uh, it’s probably best you stay out of [00:44:00] those kind of groups. If it’s not positive and uplifting and encouraging, I would get out of there. I would find another survivor and ask them, you have a group that you’re a part of? A healthy group?

[00:44:16] Make sure it’s a closed group. So, you know, the trolls can’t get in

[00:44:20] Yeah, be be careful. They don’t always give you a good answer as to how to heal. They talk about it and they stir the pot. They whack the hornet’s nest, so to speak. Get everybody upset.

[00:44:34] Reach out to these groups that are trying to help you heal. Not just have a conversation and get nasty and mean,

[00:44:42] or have a controversial show just to be controversial. There’s a place for that, but not when you’re trying to start over.

[00:44:51] We are going to do a part two again. I like to talk, obviously, and I had a lot of things to say, and [00:45:00] so, we’re going to do part two next week on reconstruction. I have a lot more to say, and so please come back next week for more, more helpful things for you and your new, life. So God bless you. We will see you next week.

[00:45:17] Bye for now.

[00:45:24]

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