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Have you ever hated God for something that you think He did? Have you ever lost two brothers to murder? My guest Jessie Torres knows exactly what that is like because she went through it herself. Paired with sexual abuse with her father, the loss of her two brothers to murder, 30 years apart, and an 18 year marriage of mental, emotional & verbal abuse, that left her completely apathetic, emotionless and spiritually dead. She is someone who has lived with fear every day. Hear her story of how she was able to find light even in the darkest moments!
Bio:
For the last 18 years Peak Performance Coach and Life Strategist, Jessie Torres has coached thousands of High Performance People from all walks of life and various parts of the world that have achieved success and the highest level of fulfillment. Out of the top 120 coaches on the planet, Jessie ranked either number 1 or top 3 in every measurable category while working with the top coaching company in the world. Jessie is fueled by a passionate love for humanity and a burning desire to end suffering. She is driven to discover the truth of the client’s deepest potential and unlock the limitless opportunities that leave others in the dark ages! Bringing all levels of mindset, emotional intelligence, energy and strategy with an authentic, client driven approach. Jessie’s teachings will help you transform your life from pain or trauma into purpose and passion, what Jessie refers to as “Fierce Grace”.
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Jessie Torres Part One
[00:00:00] Welcome to the Wounds of the Faithful podcast, brought to you by DSW Ministries. Your host is singer, songwriter, speaker, and domestic violence advocate, Diana Winkler. She is passionate about helping survivors in the church heal from domestic violence and abuse and trauma. This podcast is not a substitute for professional counseling or qualified medical help. [00:00:26] Now, here is Diana. [00:00:33] Hi everyone, welcome to the podcast. I’m glad you’re with me today. How are you on this fine summer afternoon or whatever time it is where you’re listening from? Today it was 114 degrees Fahrenheit here. [00:00:50] I think I could feel my skin actually cooking, walking out there in that heat. [00:00:59] There’s a lot of [00:01:00] extreme heat warnings, all over the United States. You need anything specific prayed about, reach out to me, but we still have a great show for you, even in this heat. Thank God for air conditioning and a fan. We’ve got Jessie Torres on the show today, and she is going to talk about her, [00:01:24] Sexual abuse from her father. And she had two of her brothers murdered. That is just horrible. She’s going to talk about that and her 18 year marriage of mental, emotional, and verbal abuse. And then of course, we’re going to talk about her ministry that she has and her book. [00:01:48] She has what she calls fierce grace. I am looking forward to hearing about what does that mean and how does it apply to our lives, right? [00:02:00] Let me read her bio here real quick. [00:02:02] For the last 18 years, Peak Performance Coach and Life Strategist Jessie Torres has coached thousands of high performance people from all walks of life in various parts of the world that have achieved success and the highest level of fulfillment. [00:02:21] Out of the top 120 coaches on the planet, Jesse ranked either number one or top three in every measurable category, while working with the top coaching company in the world. Jesse is fueled by a passionate love for humanity. In a burning desire to end suffering, she is driven to discover the truth of the client’s deepest potential and unlock the opportunities that leave others in the dark ages. [00:02:53] Bringing all levels of mindset, emotional intelligence, energy, and strategy with [00:03:00] an authentic client driven approach, Jessie’s teachings will help you transform your life from pain or trauma into purpose and passion, what Jessie refers to as Fierce Grace. So, I’m looking forward to hearing what she has to say and the value she’s going to bring to us. [00:03:20] So, please welcome my guest, Jessie Torres, to the show. [00:03:25] Alright, I’m so glad to have on the show, Jessi Torres. Thank you so much for coming on to the show today. [00:03:33] Thank you so much for having me. I’m excited. So, we are going to talk about your story and your ministry the books that you have, your resources. I’ve heard some of your story. You did not have a very good upbringing. Can you set the stage for us? What was childhood like? I came from a history of sexual abuse with my father and [00:04:00] that was all I ever knew. And my mom subsequently was very subservient and just kind of stayed in the kitchen. And even when I tried to tell her when I was 16 my father twisted my words. [00:04:13] I used the word molest, molestar in Spanish means to bother or annoy. And so I was it was never spoken of again. So for the next two years, I still was running from his clutches. And so from that, what happened is I developed a belief about who I now was, right? I and this is part of what I help people with is realize the unconscious conditioning, right? [00:04:39] Like, I made it mean that I was now dirty and filthy and nobody would ever love me, right? It’s like this thing happened and I created the story about myself. So now. I go from there to meeting someone who called out what was happening to me. I just, I went on a date and at this point I turned [00:05:00] 18 and I was rebellious. [00:05:01] And I said, what time do you want me to be home? You want me home at midnight? Okay, cool. I’ll be home at two. And it was like, literally, I was like, I’m getting out of here because when I’m here, and my mom was working nights. And so, I had come home at two in the morning and my boyfriend, it was like our second date or something. [00:05:18] My dad was on the porch. livid, right? And so we walk up, he looks at him, says, you get out. He looks at me, you get in the house. And he yelled at me throughout the night. But then the next day, my then boyfriend said, what’s up with your dad? And I’m like, what do you mean? He was mad because you brought me home late. [00:05:36] And it’s like, no, that was not an angry father. That was a jealous man. And when he said that, it opened up Pandora’s box for me. And I shared more than he probably needed to hear. And At that place where he saw everything that I’d experienced and what I’d adopted as shame and dirty, he still wanted to be with me.[00:06:00] [00:06:00] And it short circuited my brain. It’s just like, wait, now, all my dirty and you still love me. I don’t understand. And I fell head over heels. Right. And he came from a history of his own abuse with his mother, who was a raging alcoholic. He came home to his sisters unconscious on the floor. [00:06:19] That’s how bad she was. She would sleep with her, his sister’s boyfriends, and so it was very traumatic. And we both kind of knew this went on with. Each of us. So we thought, Oh, we, our soul children met and we were meant to meet and we were meant to love each other. He said, my kids will never see me drunk. [00:06:37] I said, my kids will never be molested. And we thought we fixed it. Right. So we didn’t understand, that we were, what the emotional trauma that we were bringing into this marriage. So my only way out was to tell my mom, I’m leaving. I’m moving in with this guy and I’ll do respect to all people’s faith, but my mom is a devout Catholic and she said, my daughter [00:07:00] is not going to move in with a man and not be married. [00:07:03] So I moved out Monday. I was married Friday. Wow. I was 18 years old. My, ex was 21. And I do want to say that at this stage of my life, this isn’t to vilify anybody. I am at the place of my journey where I love my father, I love my ex, I’ve forgiven all, and I understand the divine choreography of my life. [00:07:24] I, and I regain my sovereignty when I’m out of blame. And I understand that things happen to me, but I’m the one that created the meaning that I was now unworthy. So in the context of now this relationship, what ended up happening is my father was explosive. But he wasn’t vulgar and mean like my ex, right? [00:07:44] And so, but it was familiar. So now I enter this marriage and, we had this dynamic and he only knew how to speak in rage and vulgarities with his mother. When he was 13 and he got upset, his mother threw a wrought iron skillet at his head. This [00:08:00] was like Tuesday for him, so now he enters my world and I learned from my father that I am to deal with what I’m getting, or he will not punish me. He punished my mom and my brother. So as a child, I took their happiness or unhappiness as my responsibility. You mentioned your mom, if I may circle back. I think in your story you mentioned your mother ignored the abuse that your father dished out. [00:08:32] She ignored what I said. She never was witness to it according to her. Right. So it was me at 16 where I mustered everything inside of me to speak to her because we didn’t communicate as a family. I barely got told I was going to have a period, so, it took everything inside of me to share with her, this is what’s happening. [00:08:51] And so she went and confronted my father about it, but he changed my words around and he just said, Oh, I’m just bugging her. I’m just, I’ll just back off. [00:09:00] And so she never came back and spoke to me about it again. So it was just kind of like a blow off, right? He convinced her that what I was saying was mild and not what was actually happening. [00:09:10] And she believed it. And, and she, beats herself up to this day as to what was I doing? How could I be so blind? How was this happening right out of my nose? And, and again, when we talk about like coercive control and those kinds of things, I mean, there was so much that was going on that my dad manipulated, had her working at nights. [00:09:28] And so it was just a constant me having to dodge this bullet. But again, taking that into my marriage now, the explosions, the constant gaslighting, the emotional warfare, the not feeling confused because this is the only way my ex knew how to communicate. It was his survival mechanism. [00:09:49] He had to be louder than his mother. He had to have a bigger voice or run, and so when it entered my field, I just, I started to have that hypervigilance and, I needed, because [00:10:00] again, I had already learned, be the pleaser, make sure everyone’s taken care of. And if you fight him off, then it’s your fault people are hurt. [00:10:08] So when he would explode like that, I wanted to make sure to keep the peace. So, it’s like if he lost his comb, I would go buy 15 of them. So I made sure I had one in the event he lost it so he wouldn’t blow up and, and start yelling. And then when I had Which, I was 18 when I got married, I was 21 when I had my boys, I had twins. [00:10:27] And so now, it’s like the evolution of being a parent and all the stress that brings. He worked for, he was a police officer, so now he’s got all that stress and all that kind of, and stuff that’s happening to him. And so it just was a perfect train wreck ready to happen. Oh yeah. And it got to the point where I was completely apathetic. [00:10:46] Yeah. And for your audience, what I want you to know is that you’re not helpless, even though your situation can feel like it, right? And at the time I didn’t see a way out. Divorce was not an [00:11:00] option. I’d always seen I’m a one man, woman, I’ll be married forever. And so I didn’t see a way out. [00:11:06] And so what I realized is that the life I was living, like, if this is it, I don’t want to be here. Right. But it was my children that kept me alive. I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t take my own life because I didn’t want to do that to them. Right. And, but I was wishing somebody would blow the red light and I could just be done. [00:11:28] Right. And then I would wish that, something would happen and he’d get in a plane crash when he traveled. Right. And then I could be the widow and that would be okay. Right. And then I had massive shame and guilt over thinking such a horrible thing. Right. So it’s like that constant back and forth. [00:11:45] And so I got to the point where I was just a physical body walking, just like existing and hoping somebody would just do whatever they had to take me out of this game. And I’ll tell you what, Diana what took, what woke me up, which was the next short circuit moment [00:12:00] was an act of kindness. And I really talk about that so profoundly because. [00:12:06] We feel helpless in a world where there’s so much happening and we’re talking about World War III and there’s so much fear mongering that’s being thrown our way and we just feel like, Oh my God, what’s the point? The world is going to crap, and it’s like, no, every single one of us has the power to save a life by virtue of being kind. [00:12:26] Those people that were kind to me will never know who they woke up by their act of kindness. I didn’t even know to call it kindness. All I knew is, I don’t know what this is, I don’t even know why you people are being nice to me, but whatever this feeling that I’m having, on the other hand of you being kind, if this feeling is available, then life is worth living. [00:12:48] And that’s what gave me the courage to get out of my situation. I think a lot of people can relate to what you have stated. The whole, I can’t get divorced. I [00:13:00] stayed in my marriage for 13 years because of the same reason I can’t get divorced. No, I didn’t have children, but. I also went through what you said about hoping that he would, get in a car crash or something. [00:13:12] He tried to commit suicide in front of me. And I remember standing at the bottom of the stairs because he went upstairs threatening to shoot himself. And I sat there for, it was probably a nanosecond, but what if I just let chips fall where they may? And maybe that would solve some of my problems, right? [00:13:33] Right. But in the end, the Lord told me to go up there and talk him down, but Those terrible thoughts come into your head when you’re so desperate and Very much. Now, my ex had used that before, being a police officer. He had guns and he literally put it to his head and told me he was going to do it, so I’m just like, of course, terrified. [00:13:54] But at this stage, Diana, where I had reached that apathetic point, but I had crossed [00:14:00] that threshold and now I’m done and I’m like, He I came home from work and he said the same thing. He had broken his legs in a motorcycle accident. So he was sitting in his wheelchair and he said, I’ve been on suicide hotline all day. [00:14:12] And he was like in tears and he’s telling me this and I’m like, really? And I looked at him at this stage and this is a man that I always say, I loved like the Titanic love. Like I love this man, right? Like I loved him with everything I had. And in this moment where he said I was on suicide hotline all day, I looked at him and I looked deep within my soul and I found this man. [00:14:38] Nothing, nothing. And I looked at him and all I said was, you can’t do that. You have kids. And I walked away and I knew that there was a threshold that was crossed that there was no going back. It’s just like, if that’s what you’re going to choose to do, man, that really sucks because you have children that are going to be devastated. [00:14:58] You know what I mean? But I wasn’t going to [00:15:00] save him. I wasn’t going to acquiesce. I wasn’t going to be in fear. I literally searched. I almost felt cold. Like. How is it that I feel nothing right now, but that’s how far it had gotten. Trauma response, right? I want to ask if you’re comfortable about talking about your brothers. [00:15:20] You lost two brothers. I did. I did. 30 years apart. So share what you’re comfortable with sharing and what happened. My older brother was killed when he was 29, I was 28. We’re 15 months apart. He, in my childhood, was my safety. He was the one that would hold my hand at night when I was scared because our neighbors upstairs in our apartment would fight all the time and I’d get scared. [00:15:47] I was always a scaredy cat and he would always hold my hand. He’d hold my hand while we walked to school. We had twin beds, right? So he’d hold my hand across the thing and he’d always fall asleep first and I’d feel his hand get heavy and I’m like, [00:16:00] no. And then I would get in and I’d crawl in bed with him and I’d just go to sleep soundly. [00:16:04] And he was just, He was that to me. And at 29 years old, he was murdered by a gentleman. He didn’t even know. It was a girl that he started dating. And I think he was dating her a few months and he didn’t know she was engaged prior to this guy and who was from Argentina. And while she was seeing my brother, apparently he was calling her wanting her back. [00:16:30] And she was like telling him, no, I don’t want you back. I found somebody better than you. He’s better in bed. He smells better than you. He’s like, right. So it’s kind of like loading the gun, right? It’s you just like fed the rage and this guy lost his, Marbles and started to make phone calls, trying to figure out where my brother worked and was able to create this ruse. [00:16:53] He my brother was assistant manager at a electronics store, which is kind of like a Best Buy. And he came out with the [00:17:00] manager, they were locking up and here’s this guy with the hood up and he, from what the manager testified, my brother looked at him, the guy was next to in his passenger door. [00:17:11] And my brother just went like. I’ll give him a ride, right? Like he asked for a ride, had his hood up, making like, look like his car was broken down. And so the manager’s like, Oh, okay, whatever. Guy gets in his car, they drive off, the manager gets to the freeway, feels weird about it. By the time he drives back to the parking lot just to check, the truck with the hood up was gone. [00:17:35] He had my brother drive him three blocks to a residential area and shot him. By then he ran back to his truck and left. It was a nightmare. It was a shock. It was a thing that you read about. You think you only see in the movies. You could never imagine. We were so bewildered. We had no, my brother’s such a kind man, even his kindness, saying yes, to give this guy a [00:18:00] ride, ended up getting him killed. [00:18:01] And, 30 in the morning where some of the neighbor, because he landed on his side. So it was 2. 30 in the morning, woke people up and they got the phone call that, you know It was just devastating. It was so devastating. We were shocked. We didn’t know what happened. We were trying to figure it out. [00:18:17] He had a fanny pack. The fanny pack was still in the car. So it wasn’t a robbery. It was like so much. And it wasn’t until the girlfriend called us and we’re like, Hey, we’re over here. We’re grieving. We’re trying to figure this out. Come be with us. And at the time I said, I mentioned my ex was a cop. [00:18:34] He was trying to get all the investigation stuff going. And he was like, so they identified this red truck with this sticker on it. And she’s like, Wait a minute. My ex has a red truck with that sticker on it. And it all just started coming together and we were just like, Oh my God. So that was devastating. [00:18:51] And I’ll be honest when that happened, it was such a shock. I turned my back on God. I was so angry. I was so hurt. [00:19:00] And I said, You know what? What if you don’t exist, God? What if there’s nothing, and if you do exist, I hate you for taking my brother. And that’s how I felt. Just like, how could this be part of this plan? [00:19:11] We’re going to stop here with Jesse’s story, and we’re going to continue next time on the Wounds of the Faithful podcast. We’re going to find out about forgiveness and starting over and [00:19:25] how she got out of her abusive marriage and what happened when she approached the murderer of her second brother. [00:19:38] So be sure to come back next time on the Wounds of the Faithful Podcast. I hope that you have a great week. God bless you and bye for now. [00:19:48] Thank you for listening to the Wounds of the Faithful podcast. If this episode has been helpful to you, please hit the subscribe button and tell a friend. You can connect with us [00:20:00] at DSW Ministries. org where you’ll find our blog along with our Facebook, Twitter, and our YouTube channel links. Hope to see you next week! [00:20:16]