Ep 118: Dating Trainwrecks: Part 2: Takeaways

Diana WinklerDomestic Violence

Welcome back to Part 2 of my crazy stories of dating after my divorce. I cover the dangers of dating websites and give you some guidelines and best practices for keeping you safe when you jump into the dating pool again.

Transcript below!

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EP 118 Dating Trainwrecks Part 2 Takeaways Transcript:

[00:00:00] Welcome to the Wounds of the Faithful Podcast. Brought to you by DSW Ministries. Your host is singer songwriter, speaker and domestic violence advocate, Diana Winkler. She is passionate about helping survivors in the church heal from domestic violence and abuse and trauma. This podcast is not a substitute for professional counseling or qualified medical help.

[00:00:26] Now, here is Diana

[00:00:34] Hey everybody. Welcome back. I appreciate you coming back to this part two of Dating Train wrecks and we went over some really disturbing stories of dating after my divorce.

[00:00:53] I’m gonna talk a little bit briefly about some of the other guys that I met [00:01:00] on these dating websites. Not gonna go into as much detail as the first episode, but I am going to go over detail a guy that I had dated that I really cared for and liked, and I thought that this would be a good person to have an ongoing relationship with.

[00:01:22] But that didn’t work out.

[00:01:24] How has your week been going? I mentioned last time that Brian and I have COVID. I am fine. I had tested again this morning, and I am negative for COVID, thankfully, so I can go out and do stuff instead of staying at home. Please pray for Brian. He is still doing poorly. Last night he had a high fever and I was a little bit nervous, but it did go back down [00:02:00] this morning. Because of his

[00:02:02] immune system, he has a harder time fighting any kind of viruses or illnesses. So, Continue to keep him in your thoughts and prayers.

[00:02:13] Thanks for coming in here. Thanks for your support

[00:02:16] with this podcast, and I know this is a tough subject, I am going to go over some of the takeaways and maybe some tips, guidelines for when you start dating or maybe you’re dating right now, and some things that I have learned the hard way.

[00:02:36] I’m trying to spare you some pain. I’m not telling you what to do, but these are just suggestions for you to consider.

[00:02:45] And so,

[00:02:47] Are we ready to go?

[00:02:49] Let’s jump in. Now. You would think that after all of these crazy messed up [00:03:00] relationships that I had gotten into and I had made some bad mistakes that I wouldn’t be going on these websites anymore. But sure enough, I thought, well, I’m the exception.

[00:03:16] I can’t possibly pick another horrible person, can I? But dating websites are filled with

[00:03:28] predators. Even the Christian ones, as you’ve already found out, and there are really horrible people that will go in there on a Christian website because they know that’s where the gullible Christian women are. And that’s a really really horrible truth to realize that there aren’t any safe places online for you to meet anybody anymore. But we’re gonna talk about that a little bit later.

[00:03:59] I was [00:04:00] searching for someone to fill that void. The loneliness inside. I believed there was somebody out there for me, a Christian. But I had some really disturbing conversations with people online.

[00:04:13] One guy, we talked on the phone for two weeks and I thought we were a match. We got along really good on the phone. He was a believer. Had a couple kids and we met at a salad place one night and we wound up having a one night stand. Oh, maybe it wasn’t one night. It was, I think it was two nights. And went over to his place and we watched movies and talked on the phone and he just decided that he didn’t think that we were such a great match.

[00:04:43] There was another guy that I talked to on the phone that was a preacher and started talking about sex right away. And I was like, NO. We never met in person. This guy scared me. It really floored me that, okay, this was a pastor of [00:05:00] a church and the first thing you wanna talk about is sex?

[00:05:03] This third person I talked to was a cop and we were talking on instant messenger and I was making pancakes and he wanted me to have breakfast with him, meet him at a breakfast joint. And I said, no. I’m already eating breakfast. I made pancakes and he didn’t have a good vibe for me. He found out I was a martial artist.

[00:05:26] Cuz that’s usually what comes up when you’re if you’re talking to a police officer who’s got combat training and all that stuff it came out. And he all of a sudden wanted to challenge me. Yeah, I can take you. You’re martial arts are useless. I can find you. I can find where you are.

[00:05:44] I can find out your address. And I’m like, you come to my address, you’ll be sorry. And I told him, no, you’re not gonna get the opportunity to spar with me. That’s not why I trained to prove myself to [00:06:00] somebody else. And I cut ,him off because he really had some problems, so I never met him, thank God.

[00:06:09] Another youth pastor on the west side of town invited me to church during youth services and it’s kind of intriguing. I walked into the service and it was like a club scene with a side of Slayer concert. Slayer,

[00:06:28] There was lights going everywhere and I was,

[00:06:34] Brian says boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants. So anyway, It was supposed to be at church service, but the atmosphere really distracted me. Way too loud and not my bag. So afterwards we talked and he asked what I thought and I just gave him my opinion of the service and he was like, I’m really attracted to you, but you not liking the youth service was a deal breaker for me.

[00:06:58] Oh, okay. That’s [00:07:00] fine.

[00:07:00] I had a couple more nut jobs on the dating sites that were legalistic preachers that wanted just women to implicitly obey. And he wanted me to fast for some reason. He was really big on fasting and I told him, I said, I’ve got low blood sugar. I don’t fast. And he just pretty much said, I have to obey God and that is your job is just to obey and he will take care of you.

[00:07:28] And I said, listen buddy, God knows my situation and doesn’t command me to fast. I Cut that guy off. He wasn’t a very good listener. He would just sit there and talk and pontificate about his beliefs. I could have put the phone down and walked away and come back and he’d be still talking.

[00:07:48] But the last story I am gonna talk about is someone that I really did care about. I was just sitting there thinking after all these really terrible dates and what [00:08:00] was out there, and I thought there’s gotta be somebody out there that loves the Lord and isn’t trying to get down my pants and has some moral standards.

[00:08:08] And I had looked up a former coworker who I really respected. Now this was when I was married but he was single. and he reminded me of the guy on the show Castle. So that’s what we’ll call him because we’re still friends on Facebook. I don’t want to identify him cuz he is a wonderful person.

[00:08:30] He is really good looking with an athletic build and he was a youth pastor and he was single at 38. And I looked him up on Facebook and he was still single, not in a relationship. And so I was like, oh, hot dog . And so I struck up a conversation. He remembered me and

[00:08:55] we started chatting back and forth for a while. And he [00:09:00] very seriously wanted to know about my divorce. I knew that he was a godly man. He had gotten picked on at work for being a godly man. In fact, he was a a virgin and he was very open about that. We had conversations at work about spiritual things and doctrine and so I knew that we were on the same plain as far as beliefs.

[00:09:25] And he was up north and we started to talk on the phone, long distance, and he’s from Texas and he has this really heavy southern draw. So it was funny when we started talking on the phone and I hadn’t seen him in many years and that Texas accent. But he didn’t like long distance relationships.

[00:09:50] So I don’t know how this was going to work. And, but we talked and we messaged each other and I said, I have a real estate convention [00:10:00] in his area in February and asked if he wanted to do some stuff together while I was in town. And he said, yeah, sure. You could stay at my aunt’s house.

[00:10:10] And they have plenty of guest rooms. And we had a really nice time. He was the perfect gentleman. Never tried anything when I was visiting. We went to see all the sites in town. He wasn’t a stranger to me. He and I knew each other. His ethics were very high. It was very attracted to him.

[00:10:35] And we actually went to his apartment and I thought, I don’t know if I wanna go to his apartment. But up to this point, he had not done anything or initiated anything. No kissing, no holding hands. I didn’t think at that point that he was aware that I was attracted to him or that I wanted to date him.

[00:10:55] I think that he thought this was just, two friends having fun, [00:11:00] which we did have a lot of fun. It was snowing and hadn’t seen snow in a long time. We were slugging through the snow. And so we were at his apartment and he was showing me his photo books from childhood and his goofy college stuff.

[00:11:17] And I kind of made a move. I gave him a hug and I said,

[00:11:21] I wanted to know if you would be interested in taking this further than a friendship. And he looked up at him and he kind of looked away at me and he says, well, I just thought we were, friends and we just wanted to have a good time. And I said, I had a great time this weekend and I appreciate your aunt let me stay at her place.

[00:11:43] But he said, I need to pray about this and I need to talk to my leadership. Because he was a pastor and I was divorced. He had to get permission from the elders of the church to date [00:12:00] me, and he doesn’t know if they’re going to approve me. He kept asking so many questions about my divorce.

[00:12:06] What I kind of went with, not only was he abusive, but that I thought that he was gay because he wouldn’t have sex with me when we were married. Anyway, after telling him the circumstances of the divorce, his leadership gave the okay to date. So he was planning on driving down to Phoenix to visit me.

[00:12:31] It was also my birthday. We had dinner with his friends who lived here in Phoenix. We went to Cracker Barrel or something. We went back to my apartment, which I trusted him. I had already been in his apartment and he had shown himself trustworthy. So even though I’ve had some really bad experiences inviting men into my apartment or being in their apartment, [00:13:00] I gave him a chance.

[00:13:04] He had a birthday present for me. It was lavender gift basket from some of the fields we went to visit when I was up at his place. So I asked permission if I could give him a kiss to say thank you. And it wasn’t going to be a bi g Gone With the Wind kiss. It was just a simple kiss.

[00:13:23] And he said, yes. Now I bent over to give him a simple peck on the lips, and it was really awkward. He didn’t know how to tilt his head so we wouldn’t bump noses. So after I gave him this awkward kiss, we sat down on the couch. He told me he had never kissed anyone before. And I was floored. He was almost 40, I was 38 at the time, and I knew he had dated girls in the past because we’ve talked about it.

[00:13:57] I knew he was a virgin because [00:14:00] he’s been open about that, but I never knew he didn’t kiss anybody. And oh, apparently I was his first one. And but he explained that he had issues with body fluids, but he wanted to get married someday and have a big family. He loved kids and that’s why he was a youth pastor.

[00:14:24] And I said that’s really great. Although, you might like to know that there are a lot of body fluids involved in having children, and having sex. So, you might want to explore some therapy for that. Now his friends came to pick him up and go back to their place for the night. And he gave me a simple peck on the lips which was a little less awkward than earlier.

[00:14:53] Kiss , I didn’t take, his issues were deal breakers. He drove back home [00:15:00] and we continued talking on the phone. We were talking about marriage. Looking back. I was pretty much chasing the man. I was interested in him. Kind of blinded to some of his issues which I was naive into thinking that we could work them out.

[00:15:19] I don’t know if we could have. But but we were talking on the phone. He didn’t wanna do the long distance, but he said, I’m going to come down to Phoenix again and visit, I have something I need to tell you. So he came over for dinner and he said, Hey, let’s go take a walk. And we sat down on a park bench and he said, I got something to tell you, but I don’t even know how to start.

[00:15:48] I said, whatever it is, we’ll get through it together. I had no idea what he was going to say. But then he dropped a bombshell of me telling me he had been struggling with same sex [00:16:00] attraction. That is not what I expected, but I was, remaining calm. And I asked him, have you ever acted on any of these feelings?

[00:16:11] He said, no, I just have fantasies. I said, are you attracted to women also? Are you attracted to me? He said he likes women, but he feels different with the thoughts of men. He really wanted kids and a family. But he didn’t have any specific person he was interested in.

[00:16:32] But he wanted to be transparent and honest with me. We were getting close and I had mentioned my ex-husband that I thought was possibly gay. And, he wanted to follow his own advice that he tells others, about not rushing into marriage. And I appreciated that.

[00:16:53] I said do you have anybody in leadership that you can talk to about this? [00:17:00] He said, yes. And I said, I would get some counseling in this area before you marry anybody whether you marry me or not. I don’t believe that gay people should get married just because it’s expected of them in order to cure them to be

[00:17:20] Heterosexual. I don’t know all of the workings of that. I’m not an expert on those things, but I don’t think that forcing somebody to marry to hide that they’re gay or to try and fix their gayness by marrying an innocent person who deserves to be, loved and have a normal marriage. I don’t think that’s right.

[00:17:47] The whole thing is very complex and I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I still really cared for him very much. And I said that we could still keep the [00:18:00] relationship as you’re figuring things out. We don’t have to rush into marriage. I guess that is another reason why he never married or kissed a girl up to this point, is he had questions about his sexuality. And he went home and we continued to chat on the phone.

[00:18:19] And I’m a 38 years old and my clock is ticking for, if you wanna have children, you better start doing it now. And I told ’em that. I said I like children, but I’m 38 years old and I might not be able to have as many children as you want. We may have to adopt children.

[00:18:39] Well, couldn’t you have just one child? I said, yeah, but the older that I get, the more infertile that I get and the possibility that I’m not going to have a healthy child at an older age. So I’m just putting that out there. If having a whole big bunch of kids is important to [00:19:00] you,

[00:19:00] you have to be okay with possibly adopting. So he kind of dropped the subject and he moved on to asking about my finances during one of the calls, and I said I was in a lot of debt because, I went through the divorce and I was unemployed for six months and lived off my credit cards, which I’m trying to pay off.

[00:19:24] And he had the opinion that debt was wrong. He also didn’t think he could sustain a long distance relationship. and I was still very much smitten with him and I told him, Hey, I’d be glad to transfer to his town. The company I worked for had branches in his town. It was a beautiful place where he lived.

[00:19:49] But for some reason he didn’t want me uprooting myself. So if you’re paying attention at this point, it seems like I’m the one committed to [00:20:00] furtherance of the relationship and working on the issues, doing the giving. And he wasn’t. And he ended the relationship with me based on my finances. Cause I was in a lot of debt, which I felt was wrong.

[00:20:18] I’m not defined by my debt. I didn’t overspend. I was outta work temporarily. And my friends told me something pretty jarring. He just wasn’t that into you. I was in love with him, but he did not seem to return the feelings. I pretty much chased him and pursued him.

[00:20:42] I thought he would’ve been a good and godly husband. He is still single and I’m hoping that someday he will get married and have the kids that he wants. And I remember later when I was dating my now husband Brian, he [00:21:00] emailed me outta nowhere. And he said he changed his mind about the finances and he wanted to marry me.

[00:21:11] And I said, have you gotten help for some of the issues that you were struggling with? And he says he is still working on that. I said, I’m still in debt. I’m dating a man now who accepts me in spite of my debt and who I don’t have to chase. And he wrote back and he said, I guess you’re no longer interested.

[00:21:37] Well, yeah, I’ve moved on. I’m sorry. Now, we are still, friends on Facebook. He loves to travel, and he shares his travels on Facebook. And so I’ll comment and like on his post, but that’s the extent of of our friendship. Yeah, he’s still serving the Lord and I certainly wish blessings on him.

[00:21:57] So that’s,

[00:21:58] that’s probably [00:22:00] about all I’m gonna say about the dating fiascos.

[00:22:04] So after, getting disgusted at all my experiences with the dating websites and even somebody that I cared about, I was, bummed that things didn’t work out with Castle. And I thought, well, I’m just not gonna date anybody for a while. I’m just gonna serve at the church and

[00:22:25] lick my wounds. And I didn’t remember how long it was, but

[00:22:29] this was when I met Brian. I met Brian on a Christian dating website.

[00:22:36] He had sent me what’s called a wink. And that means he wants to chat with you on a messaging system on the website. And I looked at his profile and I’m like, We have a lot in common. Good looking guy. Although he had a beard, which I don’t like, beards. We started chatting back and forth. I didn’t even have a picture in my profile.[00:23:00] [00:23:00] I took that off. I’m not gonna go into the whole story about how me and Brian met and our dating. We had done this before and I’ll put the episode in the show notes where Brian came on the show and we talked about how we met and our love story. But I will say that it was a night and day experience.

[00:23:22] He pursued me, he accepted me as I was, he wasn’t trying to change me, wasn’t trying to control me. We were married within six months of dating, and we have been married for, it’ll be 13 years in March of this year. And we have a wonderful marriage built on respect and love and nurturing. I’m hoping that you have

[00:23:48] come away with some lessons in this. I will summarize some of the lessons. I would say wait before you [00:24:00] go onto any dating websites or even try to date somebody after you have ended a relationship, especially an abusive one. I know some of you aren’t gonna listen to me, you’re gonna do it anyway. But I really encourage you to work on your healing.

[00:24:21] First,

[00:24:22] You needed to process what happened with your previous relationship. What things do you need to improve on yourself? What are your values? What do you have as a goal for your life? Where are your boundaries? Seeing this is a huge boundary episode. I had some boundaries, but I didn’t stick to my boundaries.

[00:24:47] You need to decide way ahead of time, what your boundaries are. I would suggest, and again I know some of you aren’t going to listen to me cuz I didn’t [00:25:00] listen to somebody telling me the same thing. I’m trying to save you the pain that I went through and embarrassment. I believe that

[00:25:09] until you really know somebody and you have established some trust, I would not go into somebody’s apartment alone. I wouldn’t have them at my place alone. That sounds old fashioned. I also would not ride in a car alone with somebody I’m dating that I don’t know very well.

[00:25:35] I wouldn’t let the person know where I lived, even at this point in my life. That’s if I was suddenly single again, which hopefully that wouldn’t happen. Things would be definitely different. I am in a place of healing. I have processed my abuse, and I’ve helped others process their abuse. We have figured out why [00:26:00] did I let somebody cross my boundaries?

[00:26:03] Why did I not stick up for myself? Why did I allow somebody to abuse me that way? Why didn’t I cut the relationship off sooner? I had to process those things.

[00:26:16] what kind of a person do I want to marry? What kind of person do I want to date and not be so desperate to jump into another relationship so fast? I understand that loneliness. I understand that neglect that you probably had or you wanting to connect with somebody wanting to belong and be accepted for who you are.

[00:26:46] You don’t get that from another man. You get that from Jesus, and let’s talk about the Lord for a minute, because I haven’t really mentioned the spiritual side of this.

[00:26:58] The things that I did [00:27:00] were a response to the abuse and trauma that I went through. and that is natural. That is very common.

[00:27:08] In your principles, you had set out, that you don’t believe in sex before marriage. You don’t believe in one night stands, you don’t believe in dating unbelievers. Those are all, yeah, those are all reactions to trauma. But on the other hand, we are responsible for what we do, the decisions that we make. We are still responsible if we are Christians, if Jesus is our Savior, we are still responsible for our choices. And sometimes God will allow you to make stupid mistakes so you can learn from them.

[00:27:53] But there are consequences to those mistakes. How some people get pregnant, some [00:28:00] people get a venereal disease, some people wind up getting married to somebody that is really bad for them, just like their old relationship. You got somebody stalking you. I had somebody stalking me because I didn’t cut off that relationship sooner than I should have.

[00:28:16] Those are all, natural consequences. And let’s talk about forgiveness. I knew that what I had done was against God’s commandments. And was very familiar with sexuality and

[00:28:32] how God designed sexuality for two married people that love each other. And

[00:28:38] that’s God’s design for us. And sex was not meant for our physical gratification. Never meant for it to be, I’m aroused or I’m sexually attracted to somebody, so I’m gonna sleep with them. That is not how it’s supposed to work. [00:29:00] And those of you listening probably already know this, I’m preaching to the choir.

[00:29:05] Know what else comes with that? Is guilt. And I did have a little bit of guilt

[00:29:10] because again I knew I had broken what was God’s will for me. That caused a lot of heartache for me. But I was very well versed, thankfully, in the forgiveness of God. I knew that, if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. So I repented of those sins and now living a holy life, not going to be, having

[00:29:38] inappropriate relationships with the opposite sex. I’m not, having affairs. I’m committed to living a pure holy life with my husband, who I love very much, and I am committed to the Lord. That there are boundaries that I don’t cross. Everybody jokes about the Billy Graham rule, and that’s the thing that I mentioned.

[00:29:58] You’re not alone with [00:30:00] somebody that’s the opposite sex that’s not your family member. That’s asking for trouble. And again, that is your choice, not trying to tell you what to do. It’s a suggestion. If again, if I’m single in the future, then

[00:30:15] I am committed to living a life that is honoring to God in my sexuality. And we talk about that a lot on the show. We’ve had guests on the show that talked about what does it mean to be single. And sexually pure is not just about not having sex, it’s also about your thought life. And what you do with it.

[00:30:35] You can’t read these steamy romance novels and think that you have a pure life, holy to God. You’re filling your brain with watching really illicit sex scenes and movies, you’re watching porn. You’re not having sex with somebody, but you aren’t feeding your brain with something that isn’t what God intended.

[00:30:59] So, [00:31:00] but going back to the forgiveness thing, I know some of you that are listening today are feeling that y’all, you’ve made some mistakes, kind of like I did. Whether you’re a man or you’re a woman God is gracious and loving and forgiving, and he will restore you to a right relationship with him.

[00:31:26] And it doesn’t mean we’re not gonna make mistakes, we’re not gonna fall, but he’s there to pick us up when we do fall. Amen? And so rest in that forgiveness, rest in the grace of God, the forgiveness of God, and don’t have any guilt after that. Just as Jesus said to the adultress that was about to be stoned by the village.

[00:31:52] Go and sin no more. Right? And God will give us the power to live a holy life in all areas, [00:32:00] not just in our sexual life. It gives us power to overcome the enemy, to overcome our flesh.

[00:32:09] So, other takeaways and suggestions for dating? I would say

[00:32:16] a red flag would be somebody who is pressuring you to become more serious very quickly. Run the other way. Nobody should be asking you to marry them or have sex or move in with them or join finances or anything like that. That is a huge red flag. Number two, I would say

[00:32:38] you are worth being treated with respect. Do not tolerate any abuse whatsoever. You are a child of God. You deserve to be treated like a lady or a gentleman. So any kind of name calling or controlling [00:33:00] or telling you what to do or trying to get you to wear certain things, getting you to do activities you don’t want to do.

[00:33:10] And I understand dating is a give and take. I’m not talking about whether you wanna see a baseball game or a football game. It’s no, I’m not ready to have sex or no, I am not gonna change my appearance to please you. I’m not going to tolerate you calling me fat or ugly or anything else.

[00:33:33] Do not tolerate any kind of mistreatment. If they’re mistreating you now during the dating process, they’re going to mistreat you even worse if you get married. That’s how It’ll go. Pay attention to how your date treats family members, how they treat siblings,

[00:33:57] Wait staff, [00:34:00] the oppressed. That’s why you don’t want to rush into a serious relationship because they’re putting on their best side in the beginning, right? But you can’t pretend forever. You can’t. It takes a lot of work to pretend to be somebody that you’re not. And so that’s why I suggest, get to know somebody a long time before you let them into your inner circle.

[00:34:25] Don’t introduce them to your children just yet, right? Don’t meet your date’s children just yet. It’s not healthy for the kids. Only if you’re getting serious, then I will do that. Also, as you have figured out from my story, just because somebody says that they’re a Christian that doesn’t mean that they’re going to be a good dating partner for you.

[00:34:50] It doesn’t always mean that they are a practicing Christian. It doesn’t always mean that they are in God’s will at this time of their life. [00:35:00] Okay? So do your due diligence. Just because they’re a Christian or claim to be a Christian doesn’t mean that your doctrine is going to line up, that your values and principles are going to line up.

[00:35:15] And as you have heard, people’s standards are not all the same in the Christian realm. So decide what your beliefs are and find somebody with similar beliefs and stick to that hard. Don’t compromise in that area because if you don’t have a good spiritual life with your partner. You can’t pray with that person.

[00:35:39] You can’t go to church with that person or read the Bible together. You’re gonna have a really rough relationship. Every relationship has its struggles and you’ve gotta have a solid foundation, and that would be a solid foundation in the Lord.

[00:35:57] So be careful [00:36:00] there.

[00:36:01] And I know this is controversial, but if you are getting serious in a relationship, I would be looking through their phone, I’d be looking at their browser history. I would do a background check on the person. Now hopefully you are at a point where you can ask permission to do that. Probably a little sneaky to do it behind their back.

[00:36:26] So if possible,

[00:36:28] If you guys have been dating six months, and, you kinda have some questions in the back of your mind that need to be resolved, have permission to do a background check.

[00:36:39] Somebody’s watching porn on their phone, it’s in their browser history. If they’re hiding that from you you don’t wanna find out about that after you’re married or after it’s too late to back out of a relationship.

[00:36:53] And again that’s controversial. Some people, they feel funny about asking that, but [00:37:00] I don’t mean asking them like, you’re dating two weeks and you’re sneaking going through his stuff. That’s probably not advisable just yet,

[00:37:10] I have had people in my Mending the the Soul group that they married a convict. I had no idea this person was in prison or this person was, arrested for robbing a bank or, addicted to porn or addicted to drugs. Usually when you get married, you’re getting a marriage license.

[00:37:33] They’re usually you get a a blood test that it’s traditionally that you’re not closely related, like first cousins or something, and that you don’t have any venereal disease to pass on to your future spouse. I don’t know all states do that, but the two times that I was married, we had that blood test.

[00:37:55] In this day and age, if I was going to have sex with somebody, [00:38:00] whether you choose to do that before marriage or you’re going to get married, I wouldn’t do that in this day and age without asking for a blood test. I must have dodged a bullet because I had slept with people that I don’t know if they were practicing safe sex.

[00:38:20] Not all of ’em were wearing condoms. And I know this is also controversial as well. If you’re going to have sex, do your research and decide on birth control. Decide on protecting yourself from venereal disease. I am amazed at people getting misinformation about this subject.

[00:38:41] You guys have Google and so many resources on the internet. When I was a teenager and doing what all teenagers doing, having sex, we didn’t have that. I went to the library and got books on birth control and we didn’t [00:39:00] have the kind of options that we got today.

[00:39:02] I’m not promoting a certain choice. I’m just saying, be safe. You don’t wanna make a bad choice with somebody. And on top of it, you’re either pregnant or you have herpes or some other worse thing like AIDS that’s going to kill you. And so, be safe out there.

[00:39:19] Okay. Something else that I think is really important to mention is not to drink alcohol when you’re out on a date, whether you’re a guy or a girl, and some of you are gonna be like, oh, that is so restrictive and old fashioned and I should be able to go out and enjoy myself and I should be able to drink and my date should honor me and my body and be respectful.

[00:39:54] Yeah. That’s how it should be. But the reality and the [00:40:00] statistics with alcohol, it’s not in your favor. Oh, it is a proven fact if you are drinking you’ve had a bunch of drinks that

[00:40:13] you’re not gonna be making good decisions. That is just a reality. That is a fact. You won’t be able to drive after one or two drinks, depending on your body weight. I don’t drink, and I’m not here to debate whether Christians should drink or not. But I will say until you really trust that person implicitly, don’t go out and drink with them.

[00:40:42] You cannot consent to sexual activity or say no when you’re inebriated. And if you were listening to Kimberly Clark’s episode, she had gotten really drunk on shore leave [00:41:00] in the Navy, and she wound up being raped by somebody that she liked and she trusted and thought that he had her best interests at heart.

[00:41:10] He did not. And so if you want to have a drink go out with your girlfriends, go out with your guy friends. Have a drink at home by yourself. Have it with people that you trust. I didn’t have a drop to drink in any of my stories and look at all the trouble I got into.

[00:41:29] I don’t have alcohol to blame for my choices. Maybe my hormones I might blame, but I made all those choices, stone cold sober. So, just consider that.

[00:41:39] Okay?

[00:41:39] The other thing I would suggest until you know this person really well is that you have an escape plan. You have an exit if things are going south on a date.

[00:41:50] One you have, hopefully you’re driving your own car, that you met somebody at a public place and you [00:42:00] are driving your own car. You can leave when things go south for any reason. And if you didn’t drive yourself and he drove you, have a person that you can call to come and get you or have enough money

[00:42:17] to be able to call an Uber or a taxi. And I know this is 2023 now, but just because somebody buys you dinner and a movie or spends money on you during a date does not give this person any right to your body. There is no, well, I bought all this stuff for you. We had a good time and now you need to put out, you need to have sex with me tonight because I did all this for you today.

[00:42:50] Yeah, that’s stone ages folks. You can go out and have a nice time with somebody and you don’t owe them [00:43:00] anything you don’t. And have enough self-respect when you’re not having a good time, the guy or the gal is being a jerk. You’re not feeling comfortable for whatever reason, get up and leave.

[00:43:15] Think about when you get home, whether this person just is an ignorant ding dong or is a real jerk or somebody you don’t want to date. You want to examine those things when you get home by yourself.

[00:43:30] Yeah. Like I said, I would not let the person know where you live. Meet in a public place. I was really sorry that I gave Cargo Pants my phone number. I was really sorry, because after I thought the relationship was over, he was stalking me and he would call me and, taunt me.

[00:43:52] And he would talk about, well, who are you dating? And this guy isn’t going to love you the way I [00:44:00] loved you, or is not gonna be as good in bed as I was, all that stupid stuff. He knew where I lived. He would show up at my door. Now I didn’t answer the door.

[00:44:10] I was really uncomfortable with him knowing where I lived. And even when I was on a date with somebody else, he would call up and say, you’re gonna have sex with this guy, aren’t you? Oh, I know you are. What? Are you looking into my windows? Are you following me? And I don’t know, maybe he was, but he was pretty scary.

[00:44:35] That’s why I say

[00:44:37] Don’t give away the farm in the beginning of your dating relationship. Just for your personal safety, I’m going to suggest those things.

[00:44:48] But know above all that, if there is somebody out there for you that is worthy of your love and respect and the [00:45:00] Lord will bring him to you in whatever means. Might meet this person at work or on a dating website. Brian and I met on a dating website, which I think that was a miracle because there were so many

[00:45:12] Frogs, so many predators, so many horrible choices for a mate. The Lord led us together and so be open to the Lord, finding you somebody. And if you have to wait, then be content in waiting. Get out there and serve. Get out there and get involved in a community. Don’t just sit at home watching Netflix with your popcorn.

[00:45:37] Get out there and enjoying activities on your own. Enjoy getting to know yourself. The freedom of being single. There’s nothing wrong with that. I think the loneliness, it really helps when you have somebody to serve, when you’re helping others that probably are not as fortunate as you are. Discovering some new [00:46:00] hobbies.

[00:46:00] Those are fun things. Make some real friends.

[00:46:04] But don’t settle. Don’t settle for second best. Don’t settle for anything that isn’t God’s best for you.

[00:46:12] Again, you have to make your own choices what you’re comfortable with. But as you can tell from my train wrecks that I regret, highly regret the things that I went through.

[00:46:24] I wish if I had a time machine, and you know me, I’m a huge sci-fi geek. If I had a time machine, I would go back to that time of my life and I would not have started dating until probably a year out. I did not meet my now husband, Brian until probably the end of 2009,

[00:46:51] and I had given up on meeting anybody and God brought him into my life. When I wasn’t [00:47:00] really looking.

[00:47:01] And if you have any questions, if you wanna chat more about this, I’m available. Always here to help you. You could email me, we could set up a Zoom chat, comment on social media.

[00:47:12] I hope this was helpful for you. It was super embarrassing for me, but again, I’m at a place in my life where I’m healed from that and I’m able to help other people and their situation right now.

[00:47:26] So, I’m going to end with, this is a new year and I’m planning the new year out for our episodes, and I would really like your feedback on the podcast.

[00:47:41] I would like to know what guests you would like on the show. What topics would you like me to cover on the show? I have music on the show sometimes. Do you like the music? Do you not like the music? And I have a 10 question survey, it’s in the show notes. Would you please [00:48:00] take a moment just to fill out that 10 question survey. I don’t really ask about how much money you make or where you live, or your age group. What I do want to know is how do you like the podcast?

[00:48:13] What would you change? Do you have any suggestions? Because I wanna plan this new year for you. Wanted to make it the best podcast possible. I definitely have some plans for episodes, some wonderful guests coming. But yeah the survey is in the the show notes. Click on it. It’s multiple choice.

[00:48:34] There’s some fill in the blanks there at the end, but fill that out for me. I’d appreciate it.

[00:48:39] And so, the only other thing that’s going on is I am in the middle of recording some more music. I’ve been working on a song called the Lord is My Light, and it’s a classical piece of Francis Allitsen, [00:49:00] and I’ve loved it for a very long time.

[00:49:02] I’ve wanted to record it, and so I’ve been working on the orchestration part of it first. This week I did the brass subsection. It already had laid down the piano, the organ. The strings doing the high brass. Maybe tomorrow I’ll work on some tuba and there’s a really beautiful, quiet, solo piece in the middle that I think I’m gonna put some harp in there.

[00:49:32] And it has a really exciting ending and I’m definitely gonna put in crashing symbols and some timpani rolls perhaps. And I do the vocals last. It’s gonna be exciting when I get the vocals done, so I will be sure to let you know when it’s done. So I will feature it here on the podcast.

[00:49:58] We will see you next week. [00:50:00] Take care of yourselves and God bless you.

[00:50:03] Thank you for listening to the Wounds of the Faithful Podcast. If this episode has been helpful to you, please hit the subscribe button and tell a friend. You could connect with us at DSW Ministries dot org where you’ll find our blog, along with our Facebook, Twitter, and our YouTube channel links.

[00:50:23] Hope to see you next week.